Do You Need An Energy Shift?

Does Your Co-Parenting Need Some Help?

A Dose of Savvy…

I feel like the Fall friendzy is just around the corner! I just finished going through the calendar from now through the end of 2010 with my former husband, filling in the weekend and holiday and school schedules. Even though two will be away at college, they are still on the schedule… getting to school, Parents’ Weekends, getting to and from school for holidays. And then there are Back-to-School nights, sports schedules, SATs and college visits for my two high-schoolers.

I hear from single moms all the time about the frustrations and stresses of co-parenting. Many times the challenge isn’t just in making the schedules; it’s in sticking to the schedule, as well as the poor communication between the parents that makes things complicated.

Between custody, school, activity, and vacation schedules and day-to-day life, it can get tough to keep track of it all while trying to work and run a household. Things may be missed or even forgotten, schedules may be switched at the last minute, and in some cases one parent has been known to keep information from the other parent. Unfortunately, this only hurts the children!

If you need help with communicating information and family schedules, or even expenses, I recently came across a resource that can literally change your life! Our Family Wizard is an online information manager that allows you to easily schedule and track parenting schedules, share important family information and expenses, as well as create clear communication. Both parents, as well as the children, can have access to the system which includes the family calendar, message boards, private and shared journals, expense logs, and a family information bank (for vital information such as school information, emergency contacts, health care providers and health information). Money can also be transferred for expenses and is logged for future reference.

If you’re not divorced yet, you can even use the system as you create your family plan. Our Family Wizard has common plans already in place that you can choose. Courts in over 35 states have ordered that the parties use this system in contested cases.

Life as a single parent is not always easy so take advantage of any resources that can simplify things. The Our Family Wizard system protects kids by keeping them out of the middle and reduces divorce conflict between you and the other parent by eliminating miscommunication, reducing stress, and avoiding arguments. Ultimately, though, it allows you to focus on and improve your parenting!

Have You Made a Breakthrough in Your Life After Divorce?

A Dose of  Savvy…

Sometimes We Just Have to Put on the Cute Dress…Even if We Don’t Feel Like It!

Tuesday’s Dose of Outer Savvy…

The weather here in Connecticut is just dreary this week…dark, cold, and heavy rains with a big snow storm predicted as we head toward the weekend. Suffice it to say that the last thing I felt like doing was getting dressed up and going to a cocktail party! 

It was my annual garden club cocktail party in the town where I used to live before I moved to Southport with my kids 5 years ago.  Though it has become tougher to be involved from a distance over the years, I have remained an “affiliate” member and do participate in some of the civic, conservation, and horticulture  activites during the year, while admiring the incredible creativity and talent of my flower arranging friends who enter all the shows.

The women in this organization have been my close friends over the past 20 years, despite the fact that many grew up with my former husband (and some of  the older members were friends with his parents!). These were some of my strongest supporters when I was going through my divorce helping me to keep my self-esteem in tact. They would have done anything to help me during those dark days and I truly treasure these friendships!!

So despite the weather, and feeling sort of blah because of it, I put on a cute dark red dress and black suede boots, made my hors d’oeuvres, and braved the hideous weather on I95. I am so glad I made the decision!

I had a great time catching up and making plans with friends I hadn’t seen in a while. Turns out one friend, who is also divorced, has a freshman at the same university as my son so we can now coordinate vacation rides. A highlight of the night, though…a friend asked me if I had had a “peel” because she thought my skin looked so good! No peels, just lots of moisturizer before bed!!

As I drove back home afterwards, I realized the night was just the shot of energy I had needed on a dreary, cold winter evening. We can easily get caught in the busyness of our daily routines and find excuses not to get out…the weather, we’re too tired, we don’t want to go to a couples party alone, etc. Sometimes, though, we just need to put on that cute dress and get out of the house…even if we don’t feel like it. Besides, you never know who you will run into  when you’re looking and feeling great!

Tried Something New Lately?

Tuesday’s Dose of Outer Savvy…

It’s amazing how trying something new can energize you, even if it’s a simple activity! It’s actually been a while since I remember trying something new, but recently a friend invited me to be a guest at a Zumba class at her health club.  In case you haven’t heard of Zumba, it’s basically a dance exercise class on steroids. Sounds easy enough, but I have never felt so uncoordinated and I am pretty athletic. What a workout, though…and so much fun.  I don’t remember laughing that hard in a while!

In addition to burning a lot of calories and moving parts of my body that had never moved, a simple Zumba class reminded me of a few things.  Most importantly, it reminded me of the opportunity my divorce has given me to open myself up to new ways of being and doing, and to put the fun back into my life. It’s easy and safe to keep things as they always have been, but the more we try new things in our life after divorce the more we are able to develop a new identity.

As a single mom, depending on your childrens’ visitation schedule, you may now have more free time than you did when you were married. Very often friends may be busy with their families and aren’t available to get together when your kids might be with their dad.  Pursuing new interests and interacting with new people not only keeps you from being alone, but also expands your social network and potentially even your professional network. It also allows you to surround yourself with people who may be facing some of the same challenges you do. Be sure to surround yourself with only positive people, though, or those relationships will become draining.

Trying new activities, pursuing a new hobby, or overcoming a fear can truly ignite a new energy within you and make you feel more optimistic about the future. In some cases, it can even have your kids looking at you differently! I’ll never forget the look on my kids’ faces when I told them I had zip-lined through the rainforest in Belize when I went on a business cruise…they know how afraid of heights I am.

I’d love to hear about the new things that you’ve tried in your life after divorce. Please share!

Five Savvy Steps To A Better Life After Divorce…Step 2

Savvy Single Parenting

There is no doubt that single parenting is a challenge in our life after divorce, but it can also be one of the most rewarding experiences of our lives. I admit that when my marriage was coming to an end, I was petrified at the thought of raising four kids (three who are boys) on my own. I had grown up the oldest of four girls so I was pretty confident about raising my daughter, but raising boys was truly going to be a challenge!

Eight years later, I am proud to say that I think I have done a pretty good job with all four of my kids. I actually receive regular phone calls and text messages from my college-aged sons and I recently received a complimentary note (along with pictures from my second son’s high school graduation) from my former father-in-law! This is not to say I have not had to deal with any challenges or that I have not made mistakes along the way (because I definitely have!!), but my kids have thrived academically, emotionally and socially despite the challenges of a single parent home.  

Here are my tips for having an awesome relationship with your kids…

Care For Yourself

When you are exhausted and overwhelmed physically and emotionally you are no good to anyone, especially your children. It is crucial that you maintain healthy habits by getting enough sleep, eating healthy, and exercising, and also give yourself some “mom time” without your kids. It is also crucial that you forgive yourself and stop beating yourself up for your failed relationship. Look instead at the gifts and lessons you can take from it. Part of caring for yourself is also asking for help when you need it. When you care for yourself, your children can see and feel the difference in your household.

Always Make Your Kids The Priority

Children in single parent homes may subconsciously feel abandoned, rejected, or incompetent. However, no one matters to your child more than you! Know your priorities and show your kids you believe in them and their abilities. Give them the power to believe in themselves. Help them to understand what a crucial part they play in the family by giving them responsibilities. Take an interest in their interests and be there to support them. You may walk out of the elementary school concert with a headache, but you wouldn’t want to miss that ear-to-ear smile when they walk off the stage the first time!

Expose Your Kids to Some Form of Faith

Regardless of your religious beliefs, it is important for kids to have some form of faith in their lives. They need to know that they are not their own highest being. They may choose to have different beliefs as adults, but they will never know unless they have some exposure earlier in life. Faith and spirituality also teach kids to be caring, compassionate, and contributing members of their community.

Set Clear Boundaries & Consequences

Though it may be tempting at times to be their friend rather than their parent, kids need discipline and limits. This not only helps them to keep out of trouble, but also leads to a feeling of self-control and ultimately higher self-esteem and a positive outlook.

When our kids understand how to make lemonade out of lemons they are more equipped to handle the bumps in life which they will inevitably face.

Keep Communication Open

Children learn early on if you are an approachable and emotionally safe parent. Live true to your values and be a good role model. Know your kids’ friends and their families. Don’t be afraid to communicate with your kids about the issues that concern you. Acknowledge their accomplishments and great choices, yet support them with teachable moments when they make mistakes as they test the limits (because they will!). It is also extremely important to acknowledge any negative emotions and affirm how well they are handling them. Open communication with your kids will only improve your relationship.

Make Memories That Will Last

My grandparents were married 57 years and I learned from them the importance of family memories and relationships. Every Sunday after church all 20 grandchildren and our parents would go to my grandparents for “sticky buns and orange juice.” The boys (and occasionally some of the girls) would all play football on their lawn. We can spend all the money in the world on our kids, but if they don’t have strong family relationships they will never truly know how to relate with others. I know my kids will always remember fondue and board games on New Year’s Day, holidays & summer vacations with extended family, and the 2700 mile RV trip I took them on!

Give Lots of Hugs and I Love You’s

What you give, you get back! Don’t be afraid to show your kids, even your teenagers, affection. Though it may be challenging with the media and the values that are portrayed to our kids as important , teach your children about love and respect for others. They will learn to value not only themselves, but also life and will truly enjoy it. Be sure to show them that happiness comes from within and not from anyone or anything else. In the end, happiness is a choice!

Take the High Road With Your Former Spouse

This is probably one of the most challenging parts of being a single parent…the fact that you parent in your home and your former spouse parents in theirs and that there are probably negative emotions that will always linger on some level. If you can at all be on the same page with expectations, privileges and consequences, it will only benefit your children. Kids in single-parent households need permission to talk about the other parent. Be honest and age-appropriate in your discussions, though also use discretion… some things should be left between adults. As difficult as it may be, it is best that your children not hear you disparage the other parent. This only hurts their self-esteem.

Single parenting can be a lonely and exhausting job, but if approached with a positive and open mindset we can empower our kids to develop into happy and competent young adults. When we look back years from now, hopefully we see that the time, love, happiness, and tears were worth it and we can be proud of the impact our kids have had on the world with their unique gifts.

What is Your “Orange Dish Drainer”?

A Dose of Outer Savvy…

I was recently back in the courthouse where my divorce was finalized in January 2002. It wasn’t for any divorce-related issues, but because I had been called for jury duty! I hadn’t really thought about the fact that I was going back to the building where my marriage had officially ended until I pulled into the same parking lot and walked through those same court house doors.

It was great to walk through those doors a different woman than that day in 2002, though… healthier (I had gotten down to 102 lbs!!), happier, more confident, the designer of my new life! I couldn’t help but think a little about how I had gotten “here” as I sat most of the day waiting to be called as a juror.  So how did I get here? 

It all started with a huge dose of personal development!! A friend had invited me to a three day seminar and the second evening happened to fall on my final court date. I had not known that when I registered! Suffice it to say, I was able to shed a lot of tears during some of the exercises. It was the beginning of a new year, but those few days empowered me to realize I had the choice to either be a “victim” of divorce or to truly make it a “new beginning” in every way.

As I began my early journey of inner healing at the event, one of the coaches suggested that I also start to change other things in my life that no longer served me…no matter how small or simple. When I came home that night and walked into my kitchen, I looked at the orange plastic dish drainer with the unmatching pad underneath that had bugged me for years… they were hideously ugly, didn’t match, and, most importantly, didn’t  coordinate with the new, beautifully redesigned kitchen; but my former husband had brought it home one day, so I just lived with it…

The orange dish drainer was the first thing to go! I replaced it with a contemporary, decorative drainer and tray and I still have it eight years later.

I hadn’t thought about that dish drainer for years, though, until I recently read an article on CNN.com about a department store in England that now has “Divorce Registry“. I can’t say that I would actually have registered when I got divorced, but it is true that we lose or “choose to lose” many of the things we take for granted in the day to day life of our marriage.

So maybe divorce registry is a good option…friends, especially our married friends and family, want to help. This might even be a better option to all the blind dates they have for us when we’re not emotionally ready!!

So, I want to know…what is your “orange dish drainer”?  Please share your first step to improving your “Outer Savvy.”

So…Who Is The Savvy Divorced Chick?

No matter where you may be in your life after divorce, you can be a “Savvy Divorced Chick!” You just have to start by making the decision that you want to be better, not bitter! Being savvy in your life after divorce is all about your mindset…your lifestyle… your journey.

Savvy Divorced Chicks are smart, motivated, real women who recognize that divorce has given them the opportunity to redesign a life on their terms that is empowering and fulfilling. Though her future may seem uncertain at times, she has a positive outlook and is willing to look outside of the box…even when it terrifies her! The Savvy Divorced Chick is inspired by other women’s stories, and is also an inspiration herself. She is social and enjoys being part of a positive, supportive community.

A Savvy Divorced Chick values personal development, and realizes it is the first step to making positive, lasting changes in all areas of her life. She is committed to creating a fun, adventurous, passionate life that is physically & emotionally healthy, financially secure, and professionally fulfilling. She is also committed to transforming & developing healthy, vibrant relationships in all areas of her life.

Life after divorce is truly a journey…and there are definitely challenges along the way. The Savvy Divorced Chick learns along the way how to grow from the pain, though, and realizes that only she has the power to actually create the family, the career, the relationships…the LIFE she wants!

Overcoming Procrastination in Your Life After Divorce

As divorced women, we’re juggling it all…family, household, finances, a profession, volunteering, even a social life. Life can get overwhelming, but at one time or another, we’ve all been hit by the procrastination bug…and intentionally put off things we really needed to do.

Procrastination can manifest itself in many forms, even as simple disguises such as TV and email. It can also show up for many reasons. Our internal barriers such as fear, anxiety, perfectionism, and indecision may surface and take over. In the end, though, procrastination never pays; in fact, it usually comes with a cost… affecting our achievements, bank accounts, reputation, self-esteem, even our credit score. Ultimately procrastination leads to stress and interferes with our happiness.

Procrastination doesn’t have to be a way of life, though. When it starts to affect your productivity, your relationships and even starts to cost you, it’s time to put a stop to it immediately! Overcoming procrastination means committing to moving forward and taking action even when you don’t feel like it. Though it will be a gradual effort and take practice, there are some simple steps we can all take to turn procrastination into productivity and perseverance…

Discover How & Why

The first place to start with resolving your procrastination issues is to get a clear picture of how you use your time and why you delay certain types of projects. Buy yourself a beautiful journal to encourage your positive, can-do attitude and keep a daily log of all your activities, including how long you spend on each. You will soon discover all the distractions and time-wasters that keep you from achieving your goals. In addition, list any activities you deliberately avoid accomplishing and journal about why. The sooner you become aware of your actions and the reasons behind them, the sooner you will be taking charge of your life.

Monetize Your Habit

We’ve all heard that time is money, but how much is your procrastination actually costing you? This can be an actual dollar amount or the cost of a lost opportunity. When you list those activities that you purposely put off in your journal, be sure to include what it costs you. Late bills cost you interest, affect your credit score and ultimately your ability to secure less expensive credit in the future. Insurance companies, mortgage companies, even future employers use your credit score to make their decisions. Prolonging projects at work, updating your resume, dealing with medical issues, car & home maintenance (just to name a few) will all “cost” you more in the long run.

Get Organized & Prioritize Your Goals

When you have systems in place at home and at work, it’s easier to keep yourself on track. Keep your list of projects or goals in one place, not scribbled on different sheets of paper. Create a daily planning system, either electronically or manually, and keep a detailed schedule of all your appointments. Then block off additional time daily to tackle the personal and professional projects you need and want to accomplish. Be sure to set realistic goals by priority, and give yourself a certain time limit to accomplish each. Share your goals with a friend or a coach and you will keep yourself accountable.

Just Get Started

Avoiding procrastination is more effective when we start with little steps. Break down each task or goal into smaller goals that can be systematically accomplished one at a time. Setting small, quickly achievable goals helps you avoid being overwhelmed, lets you quickly see success, and keeps you motivated until you have completed the whole project. It is amazing where many small steps taken together can lead!

Focus

Procrastination means losing precious time, wasting valuable resources, and missing life’s golden opportunities. All of this can be avoided by focusing on what your goals are and actually doing what it will take to accomplish them. It will require consistent  decisions and a continued commitment to avoid distractions and be in control of your own time. Before you get started on a project, make sure you have everything you need to avoid unnecessary interruptions.

Reward Yourself

This is the best part of being productive! Make sure you reward yourself once you have accomplished one of your projects…you deserve it!! Maybe even take part of the money you saved by not procrastinating and give yourself something special. Most importantly, though, be sure to spend some time each day doing the things you love to do so you can keep your momentum going, accomplish all you dream of, and live the life you truly deserve.

Living a life without procrastination doesn’t require a radical change; it just requires a decision. By overcoming procrastination you will experience a personal freedom and self-satisfaction you have probably not felt for a long time. Just imagine a life filled with strength, purpose and peace of mind…it is just a few actions away!

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